Now I Can See: What I Learned In My Time of Spiritual Blindness
You have a brain tumor.
Those words were spoken to me on August 2, 2010 at 5:00 PM. In that very instant, my life changed.
After some swelling in the corner of my eye, it was recommended that I see an optometrist. The doctor noticed that my right eye was protruding significantly, and I was immediately sent for a CAT scan. The results of the scan showed a large mass growing behind my right eye, on my optic nerve, and into my brain. My faith has always been the one constant in my life when challenges came my way. However, my humanity took over as doubt and fear crept in. Even as I tried to rely on the many Bible verses that had been my sturdy rock over the years, none of them could quell the paralyzing fear that was overwhelming me. After one trip to the eye doctor, it was like I couldn't see God anymore.
“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.“ Then why do I feel so weak?
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Then why did you give me a brain tumor?
No matter how many times I heard His ever familiar words of hope, a darkness enveloped me like no other. For the first time in my life, my faith was failing me.
What I did learn through two brain surgeries, six weeks of radiation and still living with a brain tumor every day since 2010, is that when you aren’t strong enough, God will surround you with people that are! Through the intense love and support of my husband, my family and my amazing friends, I found the strength that I needed. They never left my side, they never stopped reminding me of God‘s unfailing love and they were patient with me in my moments of weakness. I am stronger now than I have ever been in my life, but it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Him and the ones He sent to be His strength for me.
Today, I try to be that same strength for others, like my family and friends did for me. I understand how life can change in an instant and how even if you have great faith, doubt and fear can creep in.
“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.“ Yes! He gave me the strength that I needed by allowing my loved ones to be the strength that I couldn’t find.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I see now that He had a plan from the very beginning. He had a purpose. He gave me a story of hope to share with others and I share it any way that I can!
My faith did not fail me, and my God did not fail me. My fear did not win, because my God is always victorious. When I was weak, He was strong. That trip to the eye doctor didn't take away my vision, but because of it I see Him more clearly.
“Do do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10